After the storm

Yesterday it finally happened. The first of July ushered in the “monsoon rains” that I’ve heard so much about here in Arizona. Monsoon might be a misnomer, because the word brings to mind images of unending Asiatic rain lasting for hours or days on end. However, “torrential 30 minute downpour” would be more appropriate. The rains came fast and furious and made many obvious changes.

I heard all this commotion outside my condo after the storm. I looked out the window and heard some women talking about a “big hole.” Nothing was apparent to me, so I went on about my business. This morning when I left to go hiking, I noticed what had happened. The storm uprooted a 30-foot tall mesquite tree which is now lying on my building. Apparently it had shallow roots and the strong winds and rain knocked it right out of the ground, leaving a very substantial hole in the ground. Thank God for the maintenance crew!

When I left at 7 AM for my hike up Sabino Mountain it was only 78 degrees. Last nights rains brought about a welcome change in temperature but also brought humidity, something that is rare in this arid climate. Walking up the mountain the changes in climate were obvious. There was a strong musty stench in the air and all of the dust had finally settled. Last week everything was dry, yellow and parched, longing for water but today the plant life was a vibrant, lush, happy shade of green. About a mile up the road I could also hear the difference. Seven days ago the desert was silent except for the call of the wild, today those dry desert washes had become babbling creeks, humming with the flow of much needed water. Mud across the road told me that some flash flooding took place last night. Ground here is so hard and dry that it can’t contain all the water. The desert was alive today like I’ve never seen before.

When I turned around at the two-mile marker, there came a refreshing cool breeze. The temperature was increasing but the humidity was evaporating. Coming back down is naturally always easier than the climb…but then there is “Torture Hill.” Just when you hit that last mile and you think you’re home free, that’s when you encounter that last cruel uphill climb that just saps all your strength. Fortunately today I had enough resolve and reserve that I was able to kick it into high gear and take Torture Hill gracefully. Coming to the crest of the hill, the end was in sight. I put it in cruise control, drank my last bit of water and made my way back to the point of origin, exhausted but refreshed.

The rise and fall of loving you

Thoughts resonated in my head for a long time but
I finally walked away from you
obviously we’re not compatible
no sense delaying the inevitable.
Sparkle is gone from your eyes
no longer linger over a kiss
used to fantasize and now we patronize
patience worn thin from dealing with your moods
still I kept clinging because I admire your beauty
knowing you’re not exactly what I want or need
physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
Your eyes hypnotize and mesmerize and kept me holding on
waiting, anticipating, expecting, hoping something would change…but it didn’t.

Twice now I have walked away,
deep down inside that’s what you want and what I need
then why am I having such a hard time letting go?
still look at your pictures even though you removed mine
desire to call you or mail you online
I refuse to open up that Pandora’s box
not allowing myself to be hurt again by you.
Hope you find what you’re looking for, what you need
someone who can put up with your many personalities
someone who can live up to your great expectations
it’s certainly not me, I’ve got to be free, at least from you
been hurt so much you don’t have the capacity to love.
Then why do I still see those eyes, that smile, that hair, complexion,
that body language that once pulled me in your direction?

Why can’t I just let go?
I have forgiven, why can’t I just forget?
Why do I still wake up with thoughts of you in my brain, driving me insane
keep creeping into my mind
the things we did and said
nights we held each other tight
days in the desert, the minutes the hours
the wine and the flowers
the uncontrollable laughter, the impromptu dance, endless conversation,
the hugs, the kisses, the joy, the pain
knowing I’ll never see you again
Why is it so hard for me to let go?

07/01/06 © Lunarmax Productions

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach

Communication

An exceedingly wise woman
author and mother of three
while consumed in conversation shared this thought with me…
“Writing is like giving birth.”
She oughta know...

And so when I write…

I give birth to interesting ideas
imparting imagery to experience
granting life to a legacy
that will obviously outlive me
become exactly what I want it to be
say exactly what I want it to say
perpetuate my take
my slant
a verbal implant.

Words of dignity…
instead of vanity...
it’s my therapy…
keeps my sanity…
that's what writing does for me.

We all have a unique perspective
only you can express your view
communication is the objective
nobody sees the world quite like you do.

© Lunarmax 2003 All Rights Reserved

Dreams, love and analogies

Rarely do I remember dreams but I can still see last night’s clearly. I was standing at an open door at La Corrida (the bullfight) when I came face to face with a bear-sized wolf that had dark evil looking rings around its eyes. We made eye contact and he sensed my fear but never attacked me. As if he knew that I was protected by a greater power. Then I went into an upstairs penthouse condo to attend a celebrity party. Everyone was having a grand time but when I looked out the oversized windows the creature was still in the ring downstairs chasing people. Maybe it was the spicy tofu with vegetables and fried rice I ate late last night or maybe the dream has some meaning.

I had some really low points in my life this week because of love (or the lack thereof). On the flipside, the high point of my week was establishing contact with jazz guitarist Steve Oliver. I just saw him at the San Diego Jazz Festival. We have exchanged about four e-mails this week. I’m surprised that he would take the time to write.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem 'In Memoriam:27', 1850: "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."

At 8 o’clock it was already 88 degrees but I was nonetheless determined to hike the daunting 4-mile trail to the 8000-foot pinnacle of Sabino Mountain. I’m used to the lush greenery and abundant water in the Smoky Mountains, so I had to learn to appreciate the beauty of the Catalinas. There hasn’t been any significant rainfall since I moved here in October (guess that’s why it’s called the desert)! Locals tell me that we’re inundated with monsoons every summer, but I’ll believe it when I see it. The desert has its own distinctive beauty. Today I observed darting deer, scampering squirrels, leaping lizards, beautiful birds (even hummingbirds) and sinuous snakes.

Just a few weeks ago it was spring, and the bright yellow flowers graced the saguaro cactii, but on this fourth day of summer I noticed that the flowers had dried up and given way to over-ripened bright red saguaro cactus fruit… burst at the seams so the fowl of the air could pick its seeds. The scene reminded me of a bleeding broken heart…that’s been picked at so many times, its gaping wounds are evident to life’s passersby.

"Take it! take another little piece of my heart now, baby, Oh, oh, break it! Break another little bit of my heart, now darling, Oh, oh, have a Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, hey, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good." Janis Joplin

Like hiking in the mountains, life has its peaks and valleys. Unfortunately you have to go through the valley before you get to the mountaintop. There’s something about fresh mountain air that just clears the cobwebs and enables you to think clearly. When you’re on top of the mountain you can see clearly. You can look back at where you’ve been, see where you going and while you’re there you can bask in the light of God’s presence.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4

After breaking up with my first love at the tender young age of 21, I remember writing “It’s so nice to wake up in the morning all alone, and not have to tell someone you love them when you don’t love them anymore.” However after 30 years I painfully realize the converse is also true. “What an awful thing to wake up in the morning feeling alone and tell someone you love them and realize that your love is unrequited.”

Sometimes we want love so badly that we overlook the thorns just to see the rose. You know you gonna get caught in bramble but you experience the thorn anyway. Only to walk away pierced and bleeding.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when longing is fulfilled, it is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

Coming down the mountain the temperature had already soared to 105 degrees. Skyrocketing temperatures only exacerbate the situation. The only relief is a smattering of scattered stratus clouds and some occasional tree shade. Analogous to life, when it feels like you can’t go on, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and no matter the size of the step you keep getting closer to the goal. And the funny thing is when the goal is in sight, no matter how tired you are, your load seems lighter, your pace quickens and your perspective changes. You take baby steps …and move forward.

"Sometimes the lights all shinin on me; Other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been." Grateful Dead

Arizona Sonora Desert Museum

Had a really cool day today! Got the chance to visit the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum today with some friends! That place is teeming with plants and animal wildlife! Everything was lovely. After a cool morning, we had a sunny 80 degree day. The place is full of palo verde, palmetto and mesquite trees (just to name a few) and every kind of cactus imaginable (saguaro, la cholla, cereus, barrel)!

I got there just in time for the 10:30 AM raptor free flight which featured a raven, a barn owl and a ferrous hawk today. Then I took some great shots of hummingbirds, bighorn sheep, javalinas, black bear, deer, coyotes, squirrels, prarie dogs, killdeer, doves, quail, ocelot, fox, margay, coati mundi and prarie dogs. It was truly a blessed day. I couldn't have asked for a better time with friends!

Back to Blogging

I haven't posted to this blog since I first moved out here to Arizona. I guess I was so focused on the new job and new beginnings that I just neglected the luxury of blogging. Old relationships, like old habits, die hard. But die sometimes they must. If I would only pay attention to the things I knew all along, I may have avoided years of frustration and heartache. But that's life...sometimes we learn from other's mistakes and other times we must make mistakes ourselves. So after four months, seasons have changed and it's time to move forward. Time to get back to the therapy of blogging.

Yesterday I took one of those real age tests and based on my input it seems I'm older than my years. One of the strikes against me was the fact that I don't have any pets. Seems pets relieve stress, give you unconditional love and loyalty, not to mention the snuggle factor. Experts say that could add 4 to 10 years to your life! I have had pets at many stages of my life but not currently. I can't have a pet where I live right now. But when I move closer to Tucson this fall, I'm gonna get a dog...a big one to wrestle with, walk with, talk with, to give me undying loyalty and unconditional love. Because that's the only way I'm gonna receive it. Maybe I'll get a cat too! Yeah and some fish, lots of fish and maybe even some birds...a veritable managerie. They'll either drive me insane or take so many years off my life I'll be an adolescent again. Now that's the ticket!